Anthony is planning on his escape from Shayla!!
Once upon a Tuesday—not just any Tuesday, but the kind of Tuesday where the sky seems to plot with fate—Anthony realized he needed out. Not from a job. Not from a town. No. He needed to escape from Shayla.
Shayla was...a force. Imagine if Sherlock Holmes and a CIA interrogator had a baby who also happened to be addicted to crystals, conspiracy theories, and chaos. She didn’t just ask questions—she investigated them. She didn’t just want a boyfriend—she wanted a co-conspirator. And Anthony? He was tired.
It started small. At first, it was cute that she had five cameras set up in her apartment for “astrological energy tracking.” Then it got weird when she insisted their toothbrushes had to be aligned with Mercury’s retrograde cycle or else their teeth would “absorb shadow vibrations.”
But things really hit the fan last Thursday.
That’s when she looked him straight in the eye, dead serious, and whispered: “Anthony. I had a vision. We’re destined to open a kombucha farm in the Arizona desert. I’ve already put your name on the lease. We're moving next week.”
And that was it. That’s when he started planning.
Phase 1: The Fake Job Interview
Anthony crafted a brilliant cover story. He told Shayla he’d landed an interview for his dream job—Creative Director for a sustainable streetwear line in Portland. She was proud. Too proud. She packed his lunch, blessed it with moon water, and handed him a crystal “to keep corporate demons at bay.”
Little did she know: the job was fake. The website was fake. He made it himself in a single afternoon using Wix and a free stock image of a white guy in a turtleneck looking thoughtfully at bamboo.
Phase 2: The Decoy Friend
Enter Marcus—Anthony’s ride-or-die best friend since high school, a man whose loyalty only matched his terrible decision-making skills.
Marcus agreed to be the decoy. While Anthony quietly packed his things into a rental car at 4:00 a.m., Marcus was scheduled to “accidentally” run into Shayla at the farmers’ market and distract her with a conversation about gluten-free bone broth and the healing properties of moss.
It worked—too well, in fact. Shayla ended up dragging Marcus into a spontaneous drum circle for 47 minutes.
Phase 3: The Disappearing Act
Anthony hit the highway with only a suitcase, $87 in cash, and a playlist called “Escape Vibes Vol. 3” (heavy on the Beyoncé and 90s alt-rock). He drove north, switching license plates at a rest stop, using a burner phone, and only communicating with the outside world via pigeon memes on Reddit.
He had one goal: make it to his cousin’s cabin in the woods of British Columbia before Shayla realized he was gone.
But Shayla… was fast.
The Chase
By Day 2, Shayla had already hacked his Spotify account and tracked his last listening location. By Day 3, she posted a TikTok titled “If your man is a Virgo and disappears on April 22nd, he’s with HER.” It went viral. People started spotting him across the Pacific Northwest like he was Bigfoot with a neck pillow.
Anthony was spotted at a gas station outside Seattle by a barista who DM’d Shayla: “Is this your man? He ordered a black coffee and looked guilty.”
Shayla responded with a single emoji: 👁️
The Final Stand
It all came to a head at the Canadian border. Anthony, tired, disheveled, one sandal broken, rolled up to the checkpoint. The guard, stoic, asked if he had anything to declare.
Anthony opened his mouth to answer.
And then—screech—a Prius covered in moon decals and sage bundles pulled up behind him.
Out stepped Shayla, holding a dreamcatcher and a Tupperware of lentil stew.
“Anthony,” she said calmly. “You forgot your birth chart.”
The guard, sensing something beyond his training, slowly stepped back into the booth.
Anthony took a breath. He had two options: run into the forest...or talk it out.
He chose option three: he reached into his bag, handed Shayla the fake kombucha business plan, smiled, and said, “You were right all along. Let’s build that farm.”
Then, while she hugged the paper to her chest in bliss, he dashed across the border yelling, “VIVA LA FREEDOM!”
Epilogue
Anthony now lives in a log cabin under the name "Tony Windsong." He teaches yoga to squirrels and only uses solar-powered internet. Shayla? She started a podcast called “Astro-Betrayed” and sells out kombucha festivals across the country.
They haven’t spoken since, but rumor has it she still checks border cams every full moon… just in case.
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